Where does the school year go that it is already January? It has been awhile since I sat purposefully to journal; between Principally duties, general Holiday craziness, and spending time with family and friends its been an explosion of fun!
Yet, a recent conversation with a student got my mind in a flurry. We were discussing next steps in her life and she made a comment that made me chuckle and pause, “I wish there was a Quizlet for my life!” For those who may not be familiar with the website, Quizlet, it is the go to source for answers to questions on almost every topic conceivable. It made me wonder, yes how do we help our young people navigate the decisions and challenges thrown to them in life?
Do we just allow them to trial and error through or is that just setting them up for serious failure that could hinder their lives well into the future?
Are we better off providing directing guidance that helps establish them for a future or is that just setting them up for failure once we are gone from their lives and they must make choices on their own and they don’t know how to approach that themselves?
See the catch 22…it’s easy to find competing narratives for either approach in developing our young people. Both approaches have their own merits and drawbacks, but as with everything it seems a balanced approach, though hardest at times to maintain, is the best course of action.
As parents, educators, and mentors it is SUPER easy to watch cringe-fully as our young people make mistakes, but truthfully we CANNOT be a perpetual safety net. Yet, it is also our responsibility to assist our young people in acquiring the skill sets to process an experience to learn from it and also guiding them to consider the outcomes of potential choices. Sometimes we spend TOO much time telling; rather than guiding…it happens over and over again in a vicious cycle almost in a humorous sitcom kind of way…but not really!
We desire so strongly that we don’t want those following after us to make the same mistakes we made. We believe this so fervently that at times we commit self-sabotage by our own forcefulness in expressing that opinion that we alienate the very young person we hope to support and mentor. They drift away because they are tired of the helicoptering and we as a mentor, parent, or teacher become consumed with self-guilt and frustration which only furthers the divide.
So what is the solution? What do we do when we feel we have come to the edge of no return in this state of a relationship where there exists shared frustration on both sides? — Unfortunately the answer truly lies in our court!
Young people will act on what has been modeled and demonstrated in their lives; they are learning constantly and even when we have no idea its happening! I laugh at a lot of Instagram videos showing wee little ones doing something hilarious that is most definitely a learned behavior or action! So, when I say it truly lies in our court — the first step has to start with us!
It starts by simply embracing this young person judgement-free and seeking reconnection on how they are doing. When they can feel aware that you aren’t there to “fix” them or the situation and just there out of genuine concern, that begins to speak. Don’t think it will automatically sink in the first time, the second, or the seventh time! The MOST IMPORTANT thing in restoring a mentoring and guiding relationship is demonstrating there can be consistency of care and that WE CAN BE TRUSTED!
Once that reconnection has been restored and supported by following through with consistent check-ins, the opportunities will begin to arise naturally from the young person sharing about an experience that may not have been the most ideal! What we do next with that is HUGE! We can either immediately pounce and start correcting and erode everything we have been trying to restore or we can simply listen and start asking simple questions such as:
- How did that make you feel?
- What did you learn from that?
- If you had a chance to do it differently what would you do now?
- How do you plan to move forward?
- Do you have someone who can help you?
These starter questions do not cast judgement, but seek basic information that then provides the opportunity for the young person to share the level of information they desire to the parent, mentor, or coach. If you are concerned for the safety of the child, then by all means WE MUST take steps to protect them and others involved. However, in most cases it is usually a small incident (in our eyes) that just needs to be processed through, but always remember a young person’s perspective will most likely not be colored with the same lens of life experience as ours, so the same “small incident” could feel like the end of the world to them and us belittling it or classifying as such isn’t something I’d recommend doing right out of the gates.
After, this level of trust in listening and supporting through question processing has been established and again is being done with consistency! We are ready for some “game planning scenarios”; these can look like us initiating during conversations a sample scenario of something that could happen and see how they would respond. An example prompt could start off as, “What would you do if…?” Then, let them think and process it out with you! Sometimes, we might hear, “Actually, that just happened last week and the more I think about it I would do something different.” Or we might also hear, “Gosh I haven’t thought about that before, what would you do?”
By providing a simple scenario we have allowed our young person to seek guidance from us on a topic we know could very well impact the rest of their life. This is also presented in a format where they are truly invested in what you are about to share and actually very well possibly apply it!
I think back to my own Mom, she was so wise at this! I can so clearly remember when we first talked about someone offering me drugs or a smoke. It was when we lived in Virginia so it would have been when I was in 4th or 5th grade. My Mom asked simply, “Jonathan, Anthony what would you do if someone asks you to try some drugs?” Of course my twin and I would joke around and DRIVE my Mom nuts with our answers, but I remember she wouldn’t stop until we said with confidence, “Mom of course we would say NO, drugs are bad!”
When I was in High School and was offered a medication that didn’t belong to me or a passing beer at a party; you know what memories came back? Those playful little lessons from my Mom that gave me the confidence to say NO and really mean it not just because it was the right thing to do because Mom said so; NO because I KNEW IT and BELIEVED IT for myself!
I thank my Lord EVERY SINGLE DAY for my Mom! I can remember when I didn’t appreciate her nearly as much as I should have or took her love and kindness WAY for granted!! I’ve promised myself that I wouldn’t let a day pass when I didn’t say, “I love you Mom”, because there was a season of years that passed I never even said, ‘Hello’. That was a painful season, not because of anything my Mom did, but me really figuring out what was important in my life and coming back to my roots — my roots with family, my roots with my faith, and my roots with the man God intends me to become.
Friends at some point in our lives, we were all “that young person” once! Ponder and reflect sometime how you may have wished others had done things differently or maybe even consider for yourself what you would have done differently.
Remember for any person in our life who needs our listening ear, please be that TODAY.
Remember for any person in our life who needs to hear us say, “You are ENOUGH“, do that TODAY!
Remember for any person in our life who just needs our simple presence, please, please be that TODAY!
Friends helping others grow isn’t rocket science, IF ONLY it would be that EASY! There is no precise formula we can follow, there is no cheatsheet we can snag, we just need to be open, authentic and willing to learn right along the ones we love and cherish. Each person in our lives is different and unique and it is our calling to uncover how we can best connect with each other!
BUT Friends…TRUST ME when I say each day you are on this earth you are making A DIFFERENCE and THANK YOU for that!
Thanks as always for reading and allowing me share these little nuggets the Lord rests on my heart through his reflections. May God bless you and use you as an instrument of his peace and mercy! Take care friends!
Perennial Educator 